So this week has been particularly challenging – the least of which has been trying to clarify what has been on my mind so that I might engage with you, the reader, in this weeks post. It took some time to find that little nugget of inspiration from which to extrapolate a subject on which I could thoroughly explore.
It came to mind in the midst of a very mundane task that our fears will be the end of us and out hope will be our renewing.
I find that I have been a person who not only takes to heart the things people say and at face value, but then in my mind I read into them and try to figure out whether what was said was truth in and of itself or if there was some deeper meaning I was supposed to have understood from what was not said. My fear is often that people do not say what they mean and some how I am supposed to figure out exactly what they did mean. I fear, just as most people I suspect, that people do not accept me, they laugh at me behind my back and don’t particularly like me for me but say so to my face. This comes from much experience of that actually happening. It is sad and difficult to live a life with such fears – founded or unfounded. But I think as humans we find it difficult to be who we are. It is hard to deal with and process that people will reject you for something. Anything. Just give them a reason and people will run. And especially in a day and age when technology allows a certain amount of distance and barrier that face to face completely destroys. In a technology based reality we are able to be whoever to whom-ever without much consequence in reality. No one really ever has to get close and therefore we are safe. But when we engage face to face it destroys that safety net and we free fall into other peoples lives not knowing how far the fall is or how we will land. The problem is people are afraid of each other. People don’t know how to be comfortable and secure in who they are, I think, because the world has said that we are not okay, we need to be something different in a way that is acceptable to all. What a ridiculous way to try to live. And an impossibility. I mean, really, who can be everything to all people. You can’t. Perhaps that is why so many people need medication and cannot function? I don’t know.
People will find a reason to reject you so that you are unable to get close enough to reject them. This, then, leads to a much more troublesome conclusion – we leave little room for people to love us, truly and wholly. How devastatingly sad. It is true, people will reject us and often times for things that are out of our control, but what does that say about those of us who allow that to dictate how and why we live? Where does that leave us? What can we ever hope to accomplish with such timid and wavering views of self? Such rejection hurts. I know. But some how we have to find a way to move through it and not hold such prejudices against them. Truly, in the end, their prejudices affect them and they do not have to affect us. Not if we don’t want it too, not forever, if for a little while.
Praying and/or wishing for something can be pointless if we expect the answer, the result to be exactly what we think it ought to be. If only we were god and had the ability to do anything. Thank God we are not. I think that is one of the best things about God: whether we like the truth of it or not He is the same always and part of who He made us to be is one of free will. We make our own choices in life. The truth is set before us, it is up to us to chase after it or choose our own way. But I think a more important question is how do we let go and let God? How can we be spiritually mature enough to accept that what happens is allowed by a God that loves us more than we can comprehend? Doesn’t He want us to be happy? Sure, but what we think will bring us happiness may not; and He will never impose himself upon us.
This week has been so great in many ways but I still find myself facing rejection for something I cannot control. It hurts and makes me really sad, but I understand the reality of the situation and I need to make room for the rejection in a way that does not harbor anger or bitterness towards others, but will help me to be stronger and kinder because of it.
The knot in my stomach hurts sometimes, but it serves as a reminder to make my requests known to God for my own sake. And He hears me, I know. He loves me, I know that too. He has not left me, He carries me now and holds me close, but I can still see that which He is carrying me away from and I am glad for it but I can still see it. Still feel it. Still know that it is there.
How can a complicated circumstance have such a simple answer? And why is it that we reject the simplest of answers? Because such complications deserve a complicated answer? There is a certain simplicity in truth and such complications can fade away if we accept the simplicity of it.
I am confident that where my hope is is what will bring a renewed life and that my fears will become less and less and they will not lead to my end
I know what it is to love passionately and be broken deeply; to soar above the mountain tops and to fall so far to the caverns below and through it all I have only one love who is always.
I have a special affection for a song by Natalie Grant called Held. Here are the lyrics:
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To Think That Providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
It is beautiful and sad and full of hope and truth that cuts deep. Hope and healing start with us. We must face what we believe and not give in to the anger and pain that surrounds us, that seeks to devour us. That, which would see us wallow in our own misery so that we could not affect any good with our lives. It is God that gives us strength it is him that leads us through the darkend valley and into the bright light of his joy and goodness. Believe what you will, but it is in him that I have life and hope and love.