What defines me

I am hoping that what I am about to tell you will make sense. I have decided that I can no longer live but I must let Christ, who is in me live. My spirit cries out for more than what little bread I have eaten. I must set my focus on Jesus, so that I can run a good race, not for my sake but for the sake of those around me.  I have been struggling for quite some time to find something that I thought was missing, when in reality He was standing before me gently knocking. It is amazing to me that not only is God a gentleman and he will wait patiently for us, he also pursues us with unabashed desire. He pursues us with a love so great and unrelenting that I find I cannot hide from it and I am glad for it – no matter how much I may fight it.

I have been told that anyone who meets me can see that I desprately want to get married. I don’t know if that is true or not and if it is whether or not it is a good or bad thing. Regardless of what it looks like, the truth is that I thought that by having that part of my life in order, by having a husband and children that I was completing part of my duty as a woman. As a good Christian woman. And I want more than anything to meet a wonderful man of God, settle down, get married, have a couple of kids and live happily ever after, however, I think that I am being beckoned elsewhere. In a direction and to a calling that I had never considered before these past few months. I can feel a gentle tugging at my heart and I know that Jesus is calling for me to set my sights upon Him, for Him to be the lover of my soul, for Him to be my center and for me to follow after Him, no holding back. I think that it is a good thing that I am not one of the fishermen he called and who thru faith left immediately to follow him. I am not so sure I would have had the courage or faith to just leave. I think I would have been much more like the rich young ruler who went away sad because he had many possessions. But in this case, it isn’t so much about possessions as it is about fear. I have been fighting something for so long and so much of my life has been wasted on temporal things. It is time for me to bear fruit that has eternal substance. To let go of what I think I want or ought to have and to pursue a relationship with God in a way that is all consuming and full of fire and passion. I don’t know many people who understand letting go of all they want for that kind of faith. I don’t even understand it myself. I don’t even know where this road leads or even what it looks like. All I know is that I must, like every breath out of my lungs, pursue the living God and live my life according to every word that comes from His mouth – the Word of God.

Perhaps one day my calling will be different. Perhaps the journey God has for me will include that of a family. But it cannot and will not be one which defines me. My only call is to Love the Lord God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength and to love my neighbor as myself. How is that lived out in this vessel? Hopefully, we will find out together…


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