I find that as a child of God, I am much harder on myself than God ever is. When I became adopted into his family everything I am and have done or will do is wiped clean, from an eternal perspective. And I am a new creation with the ability to turn from the things that tempt me and wish to take me away from God. God welcomes me with open arms and I can run into his throne room without question. I can come to him any time with any need. But it is I that so often keeps God at arms length. It is I that tells him you can only come this far. It is I that desires more but then tells him no. It is I that cannot forgive or show compassion or love. Not him. He has been faithful to me in all these ways more times than I can count or even know.
So why is it that I so often turn my back to God. I tell him what I want fixed or healed or removed from my life, but when he asks about an area of my life I am not ready to explore or talk about or even admit exists I slam the door shut and tell him to go away, perhaps he could come back another day?
It is true that his words cuts deep to dividng joints and marrow, soul and spirit. And it is often painful and ugly. You see, as Christian’s we don’t want to deal with the ugly. We think that because we are Christian’s we ought to be pretty – all the time. We are not. We are ugly and messy and often. And because we think we ought to be pretty we wear a mask that becomes so ingrained, so apart of us that flesh and facade melt together so that even we can’t tell the difference between the two.
Whether it is fortunate or not, I am well aware of my falsehoods. My facade that I wear. The facade is comfortable. It is easy. And when God addresses the ugly part of me, I turn away. I do not want to hear it. I do not want to know. And yet, I know that those are the very reasons why I am stuck where I am. True, I can go and do what I want. When I want. True, I am blessed beyond my deserving. But I cannot become the woman God created me to be until I face these things. Until I take off the mask and I let all that I have been keeping inside breathe. That which is false will fall and wither away like the grass of the field. But that which is true and real will begin to heal and renew.
I am afraid of the ugliness. I am afraid of what others will think or say about the ugliness. But then I think, it doesn’t matter what they think, only God – and he has welcomed me, ugliness and all, with open arms. Not to mention, they have their own ugliness they must deal with. Their own truth they must face and it is no better or worse than my own, it is only theirs and not mine. And mine is mine and not theirs.
I was listening to someone speak the other day and thought to myself I understand what they are saying and what they have been through/are going through. What a lie and misconception that was! I could never understand. How could I? God did not create them and me the same. We are not wired the same way. Even siblings have little understanding of one another. We can never know that particular thought processes of one person compared with ourselves in a similar circumstance. Someone may say something to me that, if said to another, would mean something completely different. So how can I understand? I cannot. Simply, there is no way. So, then how do we find the right words to say when someone is hurting, when someone needs to hear words of comfort? Because, after this evaluation of, “I understand.” I don’t think those are good words to use. So then, what am I to say?
My hope is that one day, all the layers of ugliness will be removed and my true, God given and perfected beauty will shine through. Until then, my ugly facade will face the day. I can only hope it is not too thick and calloused.