One of the most difficult places I have ever been mentally is that moment where I find myself caught between a rock and a hard place. Though, in hindsight, the Rock was God ,the hard place was my own pride and self righteousness. Not a very difficult situation after all. The right choice and best place is the Rock. By far, choosing him over any self focused idea or plan is always the better way to go. But so often our enemy will whisper differently oh so sweetly in our ear causing us to think our own way and own path is some how better.
I decided last year to apply for graduate school at UNR. I am very excited about it. But recently it occurred to me that I might not get in. Initially that didn’t even cross my mind. Now, it is at the forefront. However, I am still going through the steps as if it has already been decided. And truly, in God’s hands it already has. Slowly, I am realizing that I want nothing other than what Christ has for me. I want to pursue him relentlessly to the end of my days – whether they be long or short. I am well aware that this level of commitment and dedication means self sacrifice and sometimes the payment is life itself. Though, truthfully, unlikely for most of us. But even if it were so, the better for me!
I have to write an essay about why I want to attend this particular program and what I plan to do with my degree after I graduate. I know clearly what my direction is. I know what God has called me to. But the Rock and hard place I found myself in was do I speak in truth and light. With all the joy and excitement and zeal that God’s spirit within me causes? Or do I give into the temptation to water down my hearts desire. Do I lessen the imperative role God has created and positioned me for for the sake of not offending? Of putting off someone so much that I act with lukewarm intentions to hedge my bet on getting in? If God is with us then who can be against? The God of all creation, the Most High, the I AM is one who has set my feet in motion and he alone determines my path. No other can stop what he does not allow! So therefore, I will speak with reckless abandon. I will shout from the mountain tops about who Christ is and what he created me for and he alone will direct my path. He will open doors and with great joy will pour forth his spirit and affect change in the world around me. I am nothing, he is everything. I am but a willing vessel.
I believe, I know that through this pursuit, the pursuit of God alone, he will give me the desires of my heart and I will never be anywhere except where he wants me to be. Do not misunderstand me – this choice will be rot with trials and suffering. Sometimes so much more than I ever imagined possible, but oh the joy on the day I stand before God and he says, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Oh how I want to be called faithful.
The Rock and the hard place: letting go of my own selfish ambition, the concerns of man and self exultation. The Rock is all I need.