Letting the silence of the snowfall drown out the cry of my heart seems unfair but a necessary distraction from my roller coaster emotional state. Unfortunately, my emotions tend to run high and I have no better way to release them without a meltdown than to write. So, you get to see my rationalization back to normalcy.
I was rather disappointed earlier this week because someone didn’t act the way I thought they ought to. To be fair to them, they had a very good reason for it and I have yet to tell them of my expectation. So, I can’t really expect any sense of them knowing what I want from them. They are not a mind reader, after all. But, why haven’t I told them you might ask? Because I am afraid. Silly, I know. I am afraid that if I place my expectation onto them they will determine that they have no room in their life right now for my expectations, and thus, will end whatever relationship has been forged thus far. Patience is not my strong suit. At least in terms of my own wants and needs. Give me someone or something else and I have all the patience in the world. Sometimes even a supernatural ability, not in my own strength, of course, to wait on others. But, when it comes to me, I want what I want when I want it. How selfish of me!
The funny thing about the whole thing is that I think this other person is alot like me. Respects clear communication, would rather know and understand the expectation, than to not know and then have someone upset because of the lack of knowledge. I have always said you can’t be mad at me for something you have never told me. I am not a mind reader.
I am insecure. Truly. That is what it comes down to. I need that reassurance and that security of relationship. I have been so ripped to pieces by the cutting words and actions of others that I am unsure of those very things. I question everything while taking each action, each word for exactly face value. I just need a little security. I just need the reinforced action of someone who says what they mean and does what they say. I wonder if that may be too much to ask, of anybody?