I wonder if the things once hoped for are better left to the past and the new to be let in? Is all that worrying and anguish over something that never was and would never be really worth the couple gray hairs and wrinkle or two it left me with?
I question God about the things that happen and don’t happen in my life. And then, when I finally turn the corner, I think about how he is making all things work together for the good of those who love him. I wonder. I do not see very clearly. But one day, I will see crystal clear what now is nothing more than like looking into a tarnished mirror. I ponder a lot about my life. Where I have been and where I am going. But never enough time about the moment I am and what I can do with it. I am forever living for the next stage of my life. The here and now never seems to be enough. There is so much more to this life than me. There is so much more that I can be doing.
Recently, in church, we talked about the idea that God has a purpose for our suffering in this life. We can not see it with our severe myopic view, but he can. He knows. Joseph and his coat of many colors, through his unimaginable suffering provided not only life to a people but the glory to God in a way only God could do. Why wouldn’t he allow such tragedy in our own lives. Suffering produces character and character hope and faithfulness. What good would come if only good things happen to us? We would be fat and lazy – literally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I want to be able to find comfort in my suffering knowing that God is doing something great.
A few weeks ago I had an anniversary of sorts. The death of someone pretty special. Someone who I doubt that he himself, nor his family, ever thought his death could bring God glory. I remember the moment I found out. It was awful and I did not understand. What I understood even less was the hostility the family endured as a result. Let us not put our hope in man, they will always disappoint. His life and death affected me in ways I did not know. Each year I remember him – celebrate his life, and wonder if he is looking down on me from above. But who am I that he should peer down into my life? What have I done to cause any such notice. But I wonder if he is. Talking with Jesus and smiling down on my trials and perseverance for the sake of the cross. I don’t know why I think about him. We weren’t even close. It was the possibility that will never be, I suppose.
What am I doing this very moment to change the world? My world? The only thing I know to do when I don’t know what else to do – pray.