As I am preparing to enter into a new phase of my life – either because I am going back to school or because I didn’t get into grad school and am in need of a fresh perspective so have decided to move, I cannot help but wonder what it is I am looking for and hoping to accomplish with whatever direction my life leads.
I don’t really know. I have this idea that grad school will open doors that are currently closed to me. Maybe that is true. Maybe it isn’t. If it isn’t, then what can I expect to accomplish after I complete grad school? Return to my current line of work and continue down the path I started on and continued to follow because it was clearly marked out for me? Or do I let go of everything in search of something I do not know? I have this idea in my mind that I can do anything, but then in actuality, in practicality, I am convinced I cannot.
I do not now anyone whose life looks exactly like they thought it would when they were younger. I suppose that is normal. But So often it seems as if I am just going with the flow of life, of the current I was born into and now, as I am fighting against it to find something different and unique in life I am becoming weary; ready to give up and give in. It seems easier to stop fighting and just succumb to whatever direction this river bends and turns and flows to.
There has to be more to this life than just doing whatever daily grind it is that I do. There has to be a way to get there – not necessarily easily, but at least with some clarity and purpose. It is interesting how, through the grace of God, we are able to see beyond the self and the immediate desire to satisfy ones flesh; but then it becomes poignantly clear how meaningless everything in this life is. Despite my limited amount of wisdom and knowledge, I understand Solomon’s sentiment in Ecclesiastes that apart from God all things in this life are meaningless and without worth. How easy it would be to stay here and allow that realization to determine my motivation. But I must move beyond that. I must persevere through the meaninglessness and mediocrity of this life and seek out how the purpose God knit me together in my mother’s womb plays out and creates meaning.